Sweet Jesus

Today the Supremes handed down their ruling in District of Columbia v. Heller, the case which struck down the D.C. handgun ban. I have skimmed the opinions and am in the process of reading them thoroughly. If you want good, objective analysis please visit here. If, however, you are looking for the lighter side of this ruling, continue reading.

Dozens of advocacy groups have fired off press releases reacting to the ruling. Check out this one that caught my attention (HT to WSJ Law Blog):

'Praise the Lord and pass the ammunition' is the best way to describe today’s decision. The right to self-defense is a liberty at the core of the American Revolution. It was ordinary people who defended life and liberty against organized tyranny. The King of Great Britain sought to disarm the colonists because he, like any criminal, knew that a disarmed people are a weak people who can easily be overcome. The Second Amendment stands as an impenetrable wall between tyranny and freedom.

Who would you guess wrote this statement? The NRA, Citizens' Defense League, Sons of Confederate Veterans?

Not even close. It was Mathew (that is not a typo) Staver, Founder of Liberty Counsel and Dean of Liberty University School of Law. The Liberty Counsel is dedicated to “restoring the culture” (whatever the hell that means) by advancing religious freedom, the sanctity of life, and the traditional family. In other words, he's Jerry Falwell's lawyer.

Mat(t), you were so close, but let me tell you how to count to two. You want to ruin the First Amendment to the Constitution. This case deals with the Second Amendment.

I must have missed that day in Sunday School when we were taught that Jesus wants people to own guns. This press release is just the latest example the Religious Right is more interested in political power than theological orthodoxy.

As a Supreme Dicta exclusive, I have obtained Mat(t) Staver's version of Jesus' Beatitudes:

Blessed are the poor in spirit,
for they shall get their revenge in a work-place shooting.

Blessed are they who mourn,
for they shall be joined by more gun violence victims.

Blessed are the meek,
for they are pussies who don't own guns.

Blessed are they who hunger and thirst for justice,
for they shall become vigilantes.

Blessed are the merciful,
for they shall put animals out of their misery.

Blessed are the pure of heart,
for they shall see Charlton Heston.

Blessed are the peacemakers,
for they shall shoot first and ask questions later.

Blessed are they who suffer persecution for justice sake,
for theirs is a five-vote conservative majority.

Mat(t)hew Staver, Supreme Dicta's Wanker of the Day.*

*The term Wanker of the Day is a registered trademark of the very excellent bloggers over at Street Prophets.