Retarded state legislation: New Mexico edition

As Justice Brandeis said, state legislatures are the "laboratories of democracy." Well in some cases, a well-intentioned laboratory can produce a Frankenstein monster. Or, more precisely, a mechanical roadrunner.

Confused? Read on:

SENATE MEMORIAL 40

DESIGNATING THE NEW MEXICO INSTITUTE OF MINING AND TECHNOLOGY AS THE HOME OF THE MECHANICAL ROADRUNNER.

WHEREAS, the world-renowned Wile E. Coyote (road-runner digestus) has endeavored in countless attempts to apprehend the roadrunner; and

WHEREAS, the roadrunner (hot rodicus supersonica) is the state bird of the great state of New Mexico; and

WHEREAS, the hungry Wile E. Coyote continues to chase the roadrunner across southwestern highways equipped with tools exclusively provided by the Acme corporation, which is clearly not a New Mexico-based company; and

WHEREAS, although Wile E. Coyote's attempts to catch and devour the noble roadrunner always fail, they constitute an intolerable assault on a bird that is held dearly in the hearts and minds of the people of this state; and

WHEREAS, the New Mexico institute of mining and technology (smartius pantsius universitatus) is famous throughout the world in engineering and science; and

WHEREAS, the president of the university, Dr. Daniel H. Lopez (largus bossaloticus), always pulls for the underdog, or under-coyote, in this case; and

WHEREAS, the New Mexico institute of mining and technology is the perfect venue to design, test and manufacture a mechanical roadrunner that will continue to evade this vicious, although perennially unsuccessful, predator, while at the same time sparing our state bird from the indignities of constant harassment; and

WHEREAS, since cockfighting has been outlawed, these attacks on our state bird are no longer culturally appropriate;

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED BY THE SENATE OF THE STATE OF NEW MEXICO that the New Mexico institute of mining and technology be designated as the home of the mechanical roadrunner, and that all resources necessary to accomplish this lofty goal be appropriated for the college of engineering's use; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that this mechanical roadrunner must meet or exceed the demanding standards of the New Mexico institute of mining and technology, while using only green or red chile as a power source; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that New Mexico institute of mining and technology students and faculty, confident in their ability to test explosives, shall in one fell swoop accomplish what the misguided coyote could not; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that the New Mexico institute of mining and technology's admissions standards are too high to accept the coyote for enrollment; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that this is an endeavor worthy of affixing the great seal of the state of New Mexico; and

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that copies of this memorial be transmitted to the board of regents of New Mexico institute of mining and technology in lieu of the board of directors of the Acme company.

*N.B. The above is the actual copy of the resolution. All snarky content is the property of the author and did not originate from this blogger. That being said, here are my snarky comments:

• Would it be that much trouble to capitalize the Institute of Mining and Technology? Unless, of course, the institute is funded by k.d. lang.
• The roadrunner might sound like a silly choice for official state bird, but it sure beats the official state bird of New York, which, of course is a hand gesture.
• Whiskey. Tango. Foxtrot? If the roadrunner always escapes, why bother building a mechanical one? You would be denying the real roadrunner of the television coverage it deserves.
• How much tequila does a legislator have to drink before 1) coming up with this idea, 2) drafting it, and 3) dropping it in the hopper? Hopefully after he dropped the resolution in the hopper, this legislator did not use the hopper as a vomit station. Although in a metaphorical sense, he did use the hopper as a vomit station by submitting this stinker.