Extra! Extra! Scalia abandons originalism!

In a stunning development in Washington yesterday, Justice Antonin Scalia announced he no longer adheres to the jurisprudence of originalism. During oral argument in an abortion case, Scalia shocked his colleagues on the Supreme Court by asking a question that clearly demonstrated his faith in the Constitution as a living document.

In the case Ayotte v. Planned Parenthood, the Court will decide whether a New Hampshire parental notification that lacks a health exception for pregnant minors presents an undue burden. A lawyer for the ACLU argued, "I think what is quite clear from all the briefs is that once a minor arrives in the emergency room, it is too late for her to go to court." Scalia responded, "Well, counsel, surely not the delay for a quick phone call...It takes 30 seconds to place a phone call."

An awkward silence fell over the room until Chief Justice John Roberts said, "But Justice Scalia, you know full well that telephones did not exist in 1787! Are you abandoning originalism? Surely the meaning of the Constitution does not change with each new technological innovation?"

"Ever since you got appointed chief justice instead of me, I don't know what I believe any more," Scalia answered, sobbing gently.

At this point someone had nudged Justice Clarence Thomas to awaken him from his customary nap. "Master! Nooo! What am I to do without you?" he screamed.

A law clerk remarked afterwards, "Justice Thomas speaks so rarely during oral argument, I honestly didn't think he had working vocal cords."

Without Justice Scalia, Justice Thomas is the now the only justice who is an adherent to originalism, a philosophy also known as anachronistic constitutionalism.

Later in the hearing, Justice Scalia attempted to play down the significance of his jurisprudential malaise. "Come on, I'm only sacrificing my interpretive principles to achieve an outcome consistent with my policy preferences. I do that all the time. Remember Bush v. Gore?"

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An excerpt from Justice Scalia's version of Federalist No. 78:

Whoever attentively considers the different departments of power must perceive, that, in a government in which they are separated from each other, the judiciary, from the nature of its functions, will always be the least dangerous to the political rights of the Constitution; because it will be least in a capacity to annoy or injure them. The Executive not only dispenses the honors, but holds the sword of the community. The legislature not only commands the purse, but prescribes the rules by which the duties and rights of every citizen are to be regulated. The judiciary, on the contrary, has no influence over either the sword or the purse; no direction either of the strength or of the wealth of the society; and can take no active resolution whatever. It may truly be said to have neither FORCE nor WILL, but merely the telephone; and must ultimately depend on it to get permission for very sick pregnant teenagers to have an abortion.